13 Reasons Why Teens Need Wellness and Empowerment

I’ve had 13 Reasons Why in my Netflix lineup ever since I started seeing posts about it from my former students.  Then, the kids I work with in my teen wellness workshops started bringing it up and I saw more posts from concerned parents and colleagues.  I knew I had to watch it and weigh in on some of the buzz since teen wellness is so important to me.

I finally watched it and felt some very deep emotions as the actors brought some of the most tragic adolescent scenarios to life with startling accuracy.  I saw some of my “kids” in those kids and I also flashed back to some rough times in my own youth.  My heart broke for Clay and even more for Hannah’s parents and, I have to be honest, I’ve spent a little too much time contemplating how to keep my son in elementary school forever.  Ultimately, once I processed all of the emotions, my experience with 13 Reasons Why just fueled my determination to keep teaching more people about natural wellness and empowerment for teens.

 The scenes depicted in the show are every parent and teacher’s worst nightmare and we all process those fears and emotions differently as adults. When we apply that same need to process those experiences to the teens we know, it is easy to understand that a large majority of them don’t have the skills, maturity, or even cognitive ability to do that on their own.  We all want our kids to be socially and emotionally adjusted, take care of themselves physically, and manage their stress well, but how often are they taught how to do those things or given space and opportunity to explore them with unconditional support?

 I’m sure your answers to those questions give you some pretty good insight into why I focus on proactive wellness and empowerment, but here are 13 more specific reasons why we need to tackle some of the same issues presented in the series from a very different angle:

 1.    Awareness precedes change.

Interestingly, I would be willing to bet that this was a huge motivation behind creating the series.  13 Reasons Why fosters awareness about teen suicide, substance abuse, rape, harassment, cyber-bullying, and mental health issues and I believe more people really DO need to understand the reality of these situations.  However, it is my passion to raise a different sort of awareness – one that focuses more on the solution than on the problems.  It might take a hybrid approach to really create sustainable change, but Netflix seems to have a lock on the obstacles, so I’m going to stick to spreading the word about opportunities.

2.     Connection makes all the difference. 

I can’t emphasize this one enough.  Too many kids are struggling because they don’t feel connected to anything or anyone.  I know this is ironic since we live in such a “connected” digital society, but the truth is that many young people are not encouraged to connect with themselves, each other, or a bigger picture.  Ideally, well-adjusted individuals experience meaningful connection on all three levels, but I’m seeing more and more instances where kids aren’t feeling anything meaningful on ANY of those levels.  Connection is something we can all encourage, but it really helps for us to model that so they can see what it looks like for people to value and accept themselves, respect one another, and have faith.  One of my favorite TEDTalks by Johan Hari explains that “the opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety.  The opposite of addiction is connection.”  I would argue that this theory can be applied to every character who struggles in 13 Reasons Why because they all choose to self-medicate in different ways and lack of connection is the common denominator in each tragic scenario.

3.    There are a lot of kids who don’t fit the mold.

Does 13 Reasons Why accurately depict teen reality? Yes. 

Does it accurately depict reality for ALL teens?  Definitely not.  A huge part of my work centers on emphasizing individuality and encouraging kids to own their unique strengths and passions.  So, I will continue to focus on wellness and empowerment for all of the kids who couldn’t even begin to fathom Hannah and Clay’s reality and all of the kids who have been through worse and survived.  Everyone deserves tools, support, and resources to thrive, so I hesitate to narrow my scope to any particular set of challenges because ALL young people can benefit from wellness and empowerment regardless of their story, background, or abilities.

4.    Choices need to be emphasized.

We don’t always get to choose what happens to us, but we do get to choose how we react.  I’m sure we all understand and agree with this to an extent, but, as true as it is, it isn’t exactly a skill that we can master in the midst of trauma and emotional turmoil.  When we teach kids to think about their thinking and to slow it down and reflect on their choices about everyday concepts and less intense situations, they can create the habit so it is there for them if or when something tragic happens.  So many kids feel like they don’t have a choice when it comes to things like drinking, drugs or sex and, if they can’t see the power of their choices in those situations, they will never see the power of choosing their thoughts.  This is another situation where awareness can go a long way because young people need to know have so many choices other than suicide.

5.     Oxygen is important. 

In my workshops and in my writing, I focus on the practice of mindfulness and mindful breathing is one of the first tools and techniques that I practice with my students.  It is unbelievable how many teens are literally not breathing and, I know from my own experience with extreme anxiety that breathing helps – a lot.  Aside from its connection to the overall practice of mindfulness, breathing is also a simple, free tool that allows for a positive experience and positive experiences are where we can all begin to find our power.   

6.    Conversation is key.

My favorite part about 13 Reasons Why is that it has started a very powerful dialogue.  Parents and teachers are both leveraging their new awareness to have meaningful conversations with their kids and sometimes that can make all the difference.  The show does a great job illustrating how hard it is for teens to talk to adults and it really shows the unfortunate consequences of not taking teen concerns seriously, but it also shows caring and supportive adults.  Some of the kids I work with feel comfortable talking to me even when they mention other adult conversations as awkward and uncomfortable.  When I asked them why they are comfortable talking to me, they said it was because I don’t judge, I “get it” (whatever “it” may be), and I ask questions and really listen to the answers without trying to jump in and fix things or give them advice.  Other students have amazing connections with their parents and teachers and use very similar explanations when I inquire about those relationships, so I’m really starting to put a lot of stock in open, honest, and non-judgmental dialogue when it comes to empowering teens.

7.    Non-judgment goes a long way. 

Not only do we need to practice non-judgment if we want to successfully communicate with teens, but we also have to teach them the importance of refraining from judgment of themselves and of others.  So many of the characters in the show make destructive choices because they are afraid of judgment and that is one of the most accurate and realistic depictions of all.  Our society has created a very dangerous culture of comparison and it conditions people of all ages to feel unworthy if they don’t conform and give up their power to the ones who establish the standards.  In the show, the popular athletes set the standard, but the scenario is perpetuated in all facets of our everyday lives – even as adults.  Non-judgment and radical acceptance are concepts that can be taught that help combat the culture of comparison. 

8.     Stress can be managed.  

It is impossible to watch 13 Reasons Why and argue that young people have no reason to be stressed and I am really glad that so many people are paying attention to adolescent stress in a serious way.  However, this also leaves us with a responsibility to show young people HOW to manage their stress.  So often we tell them to “pay attention”, “relax”, or “get over” things without ever breaking it down in a way that allows them to actually succeed.  There is a golden opportunity at this point to teach kids how to manage stress in order to avoid overwhelm, addiction and other challenges and we can each contribute to this lesson, even if it is just by managing our own stress.

9.     Social and emotional skills can be taught in and out of school. 

Too often, teens are left to their own devices (pun intended) without a lot of guidance when they experience difficult emotions.  Sometimes this happens because the adults in their life are unable to cope with their own emotions and sometimes it happens because we think that they will just figure it out – like we did.  I don’t know about you, but I never had to figure out many of things Hannah and the rest of the kids had to figure out.  I’m pretty sure, judging from how messed up I felt watching it happen from the comfort of the living room, that I did not have the social and emotional skills to cope with anything of that magnitude when I was in high school.  Thankfully, social and emotional learning (SEL) is making huge strides – especially after real-life tragedies like the one at Sandy Hook elementary.  If you are not familiar with this concept, I highly recommend that you check out the Jesse Lewis Choose Love website to learn about their new curriculum and also check out the work of Dr. Marc Brackett at Yale and the CASEL organization (these resources are awesome whether you are a teacher or not).

10. Tools and resources are available.

I am not a mental health professional and, although I am a teacher and a parent, my resources and materials all come from other professionals.  I basically just scour the Internet and Amazon to find and curate the best tools and resources that I can get my hands on.  My proactive wellness focus definitely doesn’t require a degree or a certification – just some passion and an awareness of what kids are dealing with in and out of school.  I don’t say this to discount the importance of doctors, therapists, or certification programs in any way.  Actually, I think they are needed more now that ever, but I do want to make it clear that there is a lot we can all do to foster wellness and empowerment in a proactive way for all of the kids who do not require medical attention.  One of my goals is to empower more parents and teachers because too many valuable people hold themselves back by questioning their own credentials.  I promise you don’t need to pay money or have a fancy piece of paper that certifies you as a compassionate human who wants to support young people before they encounter major struggles. 

Aside from the SEL resources I mention above, Lady Gaga’s “Born this Way Foundation” is definitely one of my favorite resources and one that many kids respect and connect with as well.  I found this one as I was exploring resources for the teens I work with - JED Foundation.  

You can also encourage kids to explore mindfulness through apps like Headspace or to express themselves through music or art.  Some things are going to resonate more than others depending on the kid and the situation, so I’ve found it to be beneficial to introduce a little bit about a lot of tools before encouraging them to explore and find the ones that feel best.

If a teen (or anyone) has any of the warning signs of something serious, please don't hesitate to get professional help.  13 Reasons Why offers phone numbers and resources on their website at http://13reasonswhy.info.

11. Everyone Matters.

It is clear to the viewer that Hannah mattered.  She especially mattered to her parents and to Clay, but she didn’t realize that she mattered.  This is the case with wayyyyyy too many young people and a reason that it will be a cornerstone of my work until a massive shift occurs.  After Hannah died, she was missed and students mourned so it was clear that she mattered to many of them, yet not one of them had the courage to connect with her and make that clear.  It only takes one caring person to completely turn someone’s life around by making them feel like they matter.  We can all embrace wellness and empowerment by being that person for others and for ourselves.

12. Positive is powerful. 

I know that negative is necessary and that a lot of good is coming from the portrayal of teens in 13 Reasons Why, but I also know that positive is powerful.  We need to be careful to focus on what we want more than what we don’t want because our thoughts gain momentum very quickly in either direction.  A happy ending wouldn’t have done the story much justice and it definitely wouldn’t have garnered such harsh warnings and criticisms, but positivity isn’t always about happy endings.  In this case, I mean it more in context with staying positive about all of the good things that young people can be and do.  I would argue that the real world has a lot more Clay’s than Bryce’s and it is crucial that we emphasize all of the amazing young people who make good choices and improve our world.  The next generation is watching and we definitely don’t want them to get the idea that they are going to encounter all that Hannah did.  Honestly, I’ve worked with kids who have probably experienced everything that she went through, but never ALL of it for one kid.  As younger teens and tweens catch on to 13 Reasons Why (and they already are), they need to know that the have the resources and support they need to avoid that level of trauma.  If we don’t find ways to emphasize the positive and make compassion cool, young kids may end up stepping into pre-defined roles that will perpetuate everything they saw.  Luckily, the vast majority of kids I’ve worked with are hungry for the positive and are willing to take it and run with it when allowed – we just have to plant those seeds, water them with a little encouragement, and get out of their way.

Update: Just as I was about to share this blog, my cousin shared this amazing article with me and it really epitomizes this point - 13 Reasons Why Not

13. There is HOPE.

Some episodes, especially the final episode, were gut-wrenching and left me distraught.  I realize that was the intent of the show’s creators, but something interesting happened online after there was talk of a second season of the show.  Suddenly people were coming up with ways that Hannah might still be alive and I believe that is because we are all wired, on some level, for hope.  I’m not sure how that will all pan out in future installments and I know that in instances of real-life suicide, there is very little hope, yet that is where I want to end this blog.  It is up to us, as caring adults, to foster hope in teens because it is the only antidote for despair.  There may be no hope for Hannah, but it would be unfair to allow 13 Reasons Why to be the definitive exploration of 21st century youth because it is too limited in scope.  I will never discount the reality of each and every scenario in the show, but I will continue to work tirelessly to make sure the kind and compassionate voices of teen activists, innovators, and change-makers are heard and I will continue to encourage them to shine their light into the darkness that is so clearly depicted in this series because they are the pioneers who will shift the culture and create a new understanding of teen life. 

* I am not a mental health professional, but I love many people who struggle with mental illness.  My focus on wellness I this blog is not to discount that reality at all, but my work is centered on proactive wellness and strategies for teens without diagnosable conditions because they are not immune to struggle and they are often left out of the conversation because they are “okay”.

As I was finishing this post, a former student left a relevant comment on one of my Facebook posts, so I want to include it here as an afterword that may have actually summed up all 13 reasons in a much more succinct way.  He wrote,

“Just want to acknowledge (and maybe some will agree) how amazing it is to have teachers, mentors, figures in places of perceived authority reach out and level with you as an angsty teenager.. Its a skill and an art to see potential and read between the lines to see what could possibly be worth bringing to the surface amidst countless layers of a seriously tuned out teenager. Its perspective building, confidence boosting, passion finding, among countless other things that can most certainly transform a life. It so often goes unsaid, but 'out of the box' teachers as yourself (and a few others I had the pleasure of learning from) has made all the difference in the world. THANK YOU ALL!!”

So, if there is a “secret” to empowering teens, there you have it – reach out, see potential, and read between the lines!

If you're interested in even more information about teen wellness, please check out the FREE eBook - Empowering Teens with Natural Wellness