10 Things Every Teacher Needs to Know from "What Happened to You?"

Every time I facilitate a teacher training about trauma, someone asks me why I’m so passionate about such a heavy topic.  My answer varies, but always I always refer to the fact that I want to empower people with the tools and understanding that I wish I had in the beginning of my career.

The new book, What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Dr. Bruce Perry and Oprah recently took my understanding and my toolkit to a whole new level, so I'm excited to share some of my biggest takeaways. 

It was really hard to narrow my list of a-ha moments from 47 down to 10, but I still want you to read the actual book (and we can compare notes on the other 37 things when you’re finished). Overall, this remarkable book helped affirm my desire to keep doing this work, it gave me some new perspective, and it helped me understand myself, my students and my colleagues on a whole new level.

Here are the top 10(-ish) ideas that I wish I knew before I started teaching:

1. “People feel incredibly relieved when they get an explanation of how their brain is working, and why.” (283)

This made the top of the list because I’ve witnessed this transformation firsthand as I explain how the brain works to teens and teachers.  One student recently confided in me that he just thought he was ‘broken’ until he learned that it is impossible to think logically and rationally from a place of extreme fear or anger. That brief interaction and his immense gratitude made me realize just how many people are walking around thinking that there is something ‘wrong’ with them when their nervous system is just doing exactly what it was created to do.

2. “A dysregulated adult cannot regulate a dysregulated child.  An exhausted, frustrated, dysregulated adult can’t regulate anybody.” (284)

This one is pretty self-explanatory, but this was me for my first few years in the classroom and I had no idea.  Even if you’re the most regulated person on the planet, I’m sure that at this point in 2021, you probably know teachers who try to pour from an empty cup, avoid self-care, and unintentionally model frustration and overwhelm for students who are already dysregulated.  Helping teachers to regulate before they educate is at the heart of my #toolsfortiredteachers work.

3. “If the child is too dysregulated, they will not be open to any new learning or experience.  And if you continue to expect the child to pay attention, focus, and learn, you will be eroding the child’s sense of safety with you.” (282)

New Teacher Patty was totally guilty in this context, too… I definitely had unrealistic expectations for students who were unable to do what I was requesting and I had no idea how they were experiencing or processing the classroom.  The worst part is that there was probably some collateral damage because my insistence that they perform actually made them feel less safe.  If you’re reading this and you were one of those students, please know that I’m so sorry. I had no idea that I didn’t know what I didn’t know, but now that I know better, I will do better.

4. “We all create our own version of the world that has distortions.  Everybody has some form of implicit bias - some distortion of the world - that’s based on how and where they grew up.” (237)

I feel like I need a whole blog on this one because it is the part that I’m leaning into and learning the most about right now.  I have taught bias and propaganda as part of literary analysis or persuasive writing, but I now see why it is important for me to be more aware of my own implicit biases as well as the ones my students and colleagues are bringing to the table. Until educators can come together and have a discussion about this phenomenon, we are going to fall short when trying to meet our students' needs.

5.  “Rhythm is essential to a healthy body and a healthy mind”. (47) 

“Somatosensory regulation (rhythmic activities) actually opens up the cortex and makes the reasoning parts of the brain more accessible for learning.” (227)

I know I put two quotes in one here, but they go together and rhythm is a key theme of this book that actually comes up in a few different contexts.  I have understood the need for rhythm for a while now, especially since movement, music, and dance are very regulating for me, but the second part is so crucial for teachers.  In the beginning of my career, I detered students from somatosensory regulation because I was worried that it was distracting, but I learned very quickly that allowing more rhythm, movement, and Play Doh into my classroom actually helped them learn BETTER.

6. “Failure is an important part of the process”... “All developmental success comes after failure, and typically many failures will occur before mastery is achieved.” (195)

Failure, specifically the encouragement and celebration of failure, has become an important part of my approach to teaching and learning, but it definitely wasn’t something that I considered when I was in school or when I first started teaching.  Our current school system has lost a lot of the “process” of learning as it focuses on standardized tests and summative assessments that try to quantify kids without allowing room for failure.  Fear of failure inhibits so many of the most brilliant students and it really isn’t difficult to switch to a growth mindset that encourages failure.  The switch just requires awareness, understanding of some basic neuroscience, and a willingness to approach things differently.

7. Regulate. Relate. Reason. “In order to communicate rationally and successfully with anyone, you have to make sure they are regulated, make sure they feel a relationship with you, and only then try to reason with them.” (151)

The 3 R’s are a hallmark of Dr. Perry’s work and I’ve been teaching this sequence to teachers ever since I learned about it because it makes so much sense.  

Have you ever tried to reason with someone who is freaking out? I bet it didn’t work.  No one can use the reasoning part of their brain until they are regulated (calm) and feel connected.  I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I went into a classroom full of at-risk high school students without this crucial piece of information, but learning it has made me a MUCH more effective educator, colleague, and friend.

8. “All of us tend to gravitate to the familiar, even when the familiar is unhealthy or destructive.” (179)

This quote is short but powerful and profound.  I can think of so many instances in my own life where I have gone with the familiar choice over the healthy choice - especially in regard to people-pleasing, perfectionism, procrastination, junk food and credit card debt.  I’ve spent so much time judging myself and feeling shame in each of those areas without ever realizing that those destructive behaviors were an easy default for me because they were familiar and my nervous system was interpreting familiar as safe.  This phenomenon holds true for all of us and for students who do “stupid” things or make destructive decisions.  When we realize that we are wired for safety and not necessarily for success or happiness, then we can be more intentional about creating new default settings (thanks, in part, to neuroplasticity). 

9. “In a classroom, what may seem to be a moderate, developmentally appropriate challenge for many children may be an overwhelming demand on a child with a sensitized stress response.” (195)

Most teachers realize that every student is bringing different experiences and skills to the classroom and we hear a lot about “differentiating” instruction, but I don’t think I’ve ever had differentiation explained in this context.  Interestingly, these scenarios (where a student can’t tackle what seems like a moderate challenge) lead people to question what’s ‘wrong’ with the student instead of wondering what happened to them.  There is a world of difference between those two inquiries and those differences make up the rest of this book, so I urge you to pick up (or download) a copy asap - especially if you’re a teacher.

10. “It really is never too late.  Healing is possible.” (283)

“Social connection builds resilience, and resilience helps create post-traumatic wisdom, and that wisdom leads to hope.” (203)

I know I have another double quotes here, but they show what is possible and why.  If you’ve been following my writing, you know that hope is even more central to my work than the trauma work, so I’m happy to end this blog by tying them together.  I usually teach about the idea of post-traumatic growth, but I love that this book refers to "post-traumatic wisdom".  The most important part of this lesson is one of the most prominent messages from the book - connection is key.  We are all going to experience difficult situations and some of our students may go through horrendous experiences, but healing is possible for all of us if we have secure connections.  

My teachers were those secure connections for me and that is why I became a teacher - to pay it forward.  Thanks to the material in What Happened to You?, so many more individuals and teachers are going to be able to create connections and participate in the collective healing of so many different traumatic experiences.  How amazing is that!?

I’d love to hear your thoughts about teachers, trauma, neuroscience, failure, resilience, and/or healing, so please let me know which one of these ideas resonated with you the most and be sure to share this blog and the book with some of your favorite educators!